Casey Mock

I haven't written in a really long time. I stopped and I don't know why.  I guess time sped up.  Life got in the way.  More things took my time up.  A man took priority.
But now I need to make my the things that matter a priority again and I really like writing.  That's not to say I'm any good at it.  Or that anyone needs to read it.  It just good for my mind.

One of my longest standing friends died Friday. I have known her since 9th grade.  She has been with me for many, countless ups and downs. I can say she has loved me for me. She loved me in the good times and the bad times. She thought I was quirky and she would giggle or smile so big and call me weird.  Quirkiness didn't freak her out.  We went thru a teenage phase when the word "dude" was cool and Casey still called me that at 33 years old.  I mean Dude why not?  Those are the best friends.  Nothing beats having friends that think you are seriously funny.  She found humor in my uptight-ness.  Good friends can poke at you like that.  She was good at being silly.  Me being conservative I'd show up to a college party in something like a knee length skirt and a shirt that covered everything.  Casey would smile and go "Damn, mine as well show up in a turtle neck and a chastity belt." So silly.
 
Before we could drive we rode the school bus together.  Let me tell you back then there were no phones so the school bus was a like a flirt field.  I'm pretty sure I learned sexual behavior 101 from Casey, Robbie Delaney and the Chapoton boys right there on the South Granville High School bus.  I feel sorry for the kids now. What with their faces in their phones the whole rides home.
Many afternoons she jumped off the bus at my house and we'd just chat, and goof off, and eat snacks until my parents got home. Casey would sometimes stay for dinner or sometimes my dad would drive her home. It was maybe half a mile.  Casey never cared what people thought of her. She wasn't an approval seeker. Not in high school and not as an adult.  She showed up to my Dad's funeral wearing a purple dress and magenta tights.  She told me she liked the 'cool' colors and knew my Dad wouldn't mind.  Which is totally true and it's also very unique. The original boho hippy.  Being friends with a hippy when I'm southern conservative has given me some very funny memories. For instance, she wanted me to go to a concert with her in 2003.  She had made some fruity pebble marshmallow treat bars. They were laced.  Did not know that.  It was about 100 degrees, I'm super hot and after the song was over I insisted we go back to the campsite (overnight concert) and change clothes. I didn't change I just took off my top and walked around the camp site topless.  Good thing it was a hippy fest as I was not the only set of free range boobs.

I hate that she has died so young.  Because she was just talking to me the other day about a high school sledding memory.  I did not recall it.  It sounded like we had a blast.  The thing is Casey had an impeccable memory and so she could talk to me about our younger years and then it would jog my memory. Then I would remember it.  Best part would be I'd remember it differently than she did. We would have two versions of the same story.  Memory is what you make it.  And it changes over time. Memory is not reality; it's perception.

Now that Casey is dead.  The Casey & Brittany duo just lost 50% of our memories if not more because my memories just aren't so good. 

I can not think of life without her.  She has been a loyal friend for 20 years.  Quality friends are extremely hard to come by.  It's even harder to find friends that remember and genuinely care about the small things.  I'm talking things like your favorite color, food, your birthday.  She also just got me.  Like when you meet a new person and they don't understand how to take your social skills or your mannerism--well thank God for good long standing friends because it's like you hang and there is none of that awkwardness. They don't put you down, judge you and they certainly don't criticize you for the way you are. Casey was super accepting.  And losing a friend that remembers the kind of candy you ate in 9th grade English class or that you ate a Ms. Fields chocolate chip cookie every single day for lunch in 10th grade well that's irreplaceable. That's a foundational friend.
Foundational Friends...I'll have to make an entirely separate post on that. 

That kind of friend can not be replaced and her worth to me could not be measured.  Didn't she know she was immeasurable?  Didn't she know she was worthy of so much?  Didn't she know she meant the world to many?
I believe there are many people in the World but few that are memorable.  When you die do you want to be one of many or one that is memorable?
Depends on how you live.
I don't know what she was thinking those last few moments. I don't know what was flashing thru her head.  It wasn't loving or she wouldn't have pulled that gun out of her purse in the first place.  Guns don't bring love they bring death.  And death that gun brought.
Did she think about the finality of it all?  I don't think so.  I think she thought she just wanted this whole chunk of her life to be resolved.

I hope she is at peace. I miss her already. I missed her night one. I missed her night two.  I have experienced that kind of 'Just Get Me Thru The Night God' hurts so bad feeling before....twice now in my life.  It sucks.  Its gut wrenching.  My body reacts badly to it.  I shake a lot.  I can't sleep.  I throw up until it's just bile.  I get the runs.  It's not pretty.
I need to get over myself.
I don't think she was thinking of how I'd react. She wasn't really a suicidal person. I wouldn't consider her a selfish person at all nor self consumed with sadness.  She never even made comments. 

There was a time a year ago when I was in REALLY dark place.  It was not depression.  It was extreme sorrow that I could not see my way out of and I could not envision a life worth living.  The darkest of days linger back there.  I did not find joy and I did not smile.  The days were blurry and I cried every single morning because waking up less one spouse made me so sad.
I could not picture a life with hope or love bc whom I thought was my soul mate (and embodiment of hope, love and laughter) just up and walked out for another women.  I had friends that prayed me out of that darkness and it lifted me from the fog.  I had friends that encouraged me with their hope.  I shared that mornings were the hardest so I had friends that began to call in the a.m. telling me they loved me and every day was a new chapter.  Their encouragement squashed the sadness.  I did not need my faith, hope or love because I was learning to lean on others. "Lean not on to your own understanding"  I asked people to pray fervently for me.  I began to feel empowered walking in my day and I could take life by the horns.  That was not my doing it was Gods.  So it makes me so so sooooo so sad that Casey never mentioned to me that she was feeling down, dark, low, not worthy. Whatever the issue. She kept her trials to herself.  20 years of friendship and she kept her sorrow inside.
She literally slept at my house last year every weekend until I got back on my emotional feet.  What happened to pay it forward?
I would have been there for her. I would have done anything to help her.
And yet Friday morning she shot a bullet through her body in front of a total stranger.

What vs Why oh Lord

Not to ask why but just know that God has carried you through the darkness and the hardships and you did survive the trials and tribulations.
So instead of asking Why the tribulations have happened is to trial and tribulations
A more helpful questions is to ask WHAT?  What do you want to do with me now Lord?
What should I do with my next move?
What can I do to improve my trials?